Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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