i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
