the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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