If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
