So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
