If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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