I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I love you. Go after that dick
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
