rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
