where am i from again
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
