so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize