He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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