i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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