i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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