Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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