I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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