Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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