Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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