You smell like stripper and shame
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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