What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
