I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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