May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
