Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
im six kinds of drunk right now
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
