my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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