3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
