i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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