so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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