He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
