tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
