I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
