It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
