i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
