Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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