not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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