look no pants
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
