I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
