so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
