i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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