How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
