i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
