I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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