So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
