apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Randomize
