fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
