I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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