I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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