I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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