My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
