I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
