he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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