Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
