My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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