Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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