Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize