Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Rumble strips road head = magical
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
