Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
