textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
