When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
