I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
