Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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