What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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