Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
